A couple in a state of anxiety and anticipation about their sex life has reached new heights of stress because of the influence of "50 Shades of Grey". They have decided to go to a couples therapist. There, we find out that kinky doesn’t work for everyone.

INT. THERAPIST’S OFFICE - DAY (PRESENT)

Couples therapist’s framed certifications hang on the wall. We see DR. FARDEN taking notes. JACKIE, early-mid 30s, sits on a couch in the office. Jackie’s husband RICH, early-mid 30’s, sits next to her.

JACKIE

You know, believe it or not there was a time I would come home from work not thinking, hey! I should pop in and buy a ball- gag.

RICH

Yeah, and nobody should come away from sex with, like, a sprained jaw.

Dr. Farden looks surprised; makes a note.

JACKIE

It should be less jaw and more tongue.

DR. FARDEN

Let me guess: you read that book?

Jackie and Rich are relieved at the chance to express their frustration.

RICH (annoyed)

You mean 50 Shades of lumbar strain?

DR. CHAPMAN (understanding)

So I’m guessing things didn’t go well?

As she responds, Jackie begins to drift into a fantasy.

?

JACKIE

I just wanted it to be more like the book, ya know?. I just wanted him to take charge.

We see her vision of what this looks like.

CUT TO:

?INT. BEDROOM - EVENING (FANTASY)

We see Jackie against a bedroom wall wearing a black nightie. Rich, dressed in a crisp dress shirt and suit jacket, steps into frame and pulls Jackie’s hands above her head and sexily grazes a whip across her cheek. She sighs. The tension is palpable.

INT. THERAPIST’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

RICH

Which I tried to do! But I didn’t read the book, so I just kind of winged it, wung it, wang-wanged it...

INT. BEDROOM - EVENING (FLASHBACK)

CUT TO:

We see what really happened: Rich is standing at the foot of their bed in his boxers, black socks and an A-shirt with his knee on the bed stand while holding some kind of sexual whip. Jackie kneels on the bed. Other sex toys are strewn about.

RICH (sexily)

Who’s ready to be dominated?

Jackie starts crawling towards him.

JACKIE

I am.

RICH (laughs teasingly)

Rich cracks the whip and inadvertently whips himself in the face, hurting himself in the process. He winces. Jackie, who has been crawling towards him, hears the sound of injury.

JACKIE

Oh babe, are you ok??

Due to the distraction, Jackie misses the edge of the bed and falls off onto the floor, legs flailing and her screaming.

JACKIE (CONT’D)

Rich hears her scream and now he falls backwards. (screams)

CUT BACK TO:

RICH (while falling)

Oh! God!

INT. THERAPIST’S OFFICE (PRESENT)

JACKIE

That was not the only injury.

RICH (to therapist)

She wanted me to be mysterious and surprising, which I thought I did a totally awesome job at...

INT. HALLWAY - DAY (FLASHBACK)

CUT BACK TO:

Jackie walks into the hallway carrying laundry. Rich, who is in the front of the frame hiding against a wall jumps out in front of her. From the waist up he’s a ninja. From the waist down he’s wearing a leather crotch harness.

RICH

Sex time!

She drops the laundry and in pure self defense high-kicks him in the face.

JACKIE

Noooo!

RICH (yells in pain)

Jackie, realizing it was Rich, is partly in shock and partly feels terrible because he’s in pain.

JACKIE (sympathetically)

Ooooohhh!

INT. THERAPIST’S OFFICE - DAY (PRESENT)

JACKIE

Who interprets takes "mysterious and surprising" to mean “ninja”? Rich silently gestures to himself.

CUT BACK TO:

RICH

Ninjas are sexy, am I right?

JACKIE (to Rich)

Okay, I just don’t think you know what that word actually means.

RICH (explanatory)

Ninjas.

Dr. Farden looks horrified.

JACKIE

If I said I wanted “slow but firm”, would you have dressed as my grandpa?

RICH (frustrated)

Well you’re grandpa’s dead, so no.

Dr. Farden is growing increasingly impatient and interrupts.

DR. FARDEN

Alright, okay. So what happened next?

JACKIE

Things got even more complicated.

INT. LIVING ROOM (FLASHBACK)

We hear Rich and Jackie but only see a suggestive shadows of the two of them as we slowly pan down a wall.

JACKIE (frustrated)

It is not staying in the hole!

RICH (annoyed)

Spit on it or something!

JACKIE (horrified)

I’m not going to spit on it.

Camera pans completely down as we reveal Jackie and Rich on the living room floor, attempting to piece together big leather sex swing. Jackie is holding two pieces in place while Rich tries to wrench them together from behind her. Parts and pieces are everywhere.

CUT TO:

?

RICH

Ohhh come on! What is this thing? A sex swing or a breakup machine?

Rich throws his wrench to the ground in disgust and we cutaway to reveal the Ikea-like instruction manual, complete with pictures of how the swing is supposed to be assembled.

INT. THERAPIST’S OFFICE - DAY (PRESENT)

JACKIE

Once we finally decided to go for it, we thought it would be a good idea to use a safe word.

INT BEDROOM - EVENING (FLASHBACK)

CUT TO:

Rich is taped to the headboard with blue painting tape while Jackie reaches into an ice bucket to throw ice cubes on him. A pair of unused sex handcuffs sits nestled on the pillow.

JACKIE (sexily, while throwing ice on Rich)

Somebody needs to cool off a little bit.

INT. THERAPIST’S OFFICE (CONTINUOUS)

DR. FARDEN (approvingly)

Safe words can be an easy way to...

JACKIE (interrupting)

He used my mom’s name.

INT BEDROOM - EVENING (CONTINUOUS)

Rich can’t take the ice being thrown on him and screams his chosen safe word.

RICH

Oh! Nancy! Nancy! Nancy! Nancy!!!!

CUT BACK TO:

INT. THERAPIST’S OFFICE (CONTINUOUS)

RICH (calmly, to therapist)

What could be safer than mom, right?

DR. FARDEN (disgusted by this point)

Come on, dude.

INT BEDROOM - EVENING (CONTINUOUS)

After hearing her mother’s name invoked as a safe word, Jackie angrily dumps the ice bucket contents onto Rich’s crotch, and Rich screams. Jackie storms out of frame.

JACKIE (V.O.)

I haven’t been able to look her in the eye since.

RICH (V.O.)

Mission accomplished.

Rich, still screaming, rips free from the tape and examines his situation with horror.

INT. THERAPIST’S OFFICE (CONTINUOUS)

DR. FARDEN

It’s one thing to act out scenes from a book, but it’s another to really get into the head of the character.

Rich and Jackie look at Dr. Farden inquisitively.

RICH (thinking he understands some innuendo on the part of the therapist)

Now, wait, when you said “get head”, you mean...

Jackie silently shakes her head.

DR. FARDEN (cutting him off)

Nah-ah. What I’m saying is, you two are so focused on what you think you’re supposed to do that you’ve forgotten who you’re supposed to be.

Rich turns towards Jackie. It’s clear they are starting to get it.

?RICH

Just...

JACKIE

Just...

RICH

I’ve got it.

JACKIE

So like you’re you...

RICH

Mmmhmmm

JACKIE

And I’m me…

They’re getting into each other on the couch.

RICH

Well, I like you.

JACKIE

Well, I like you too.

DR. CHAPMAN (chiming in approvingly)

Mmmhmmm, you’re getting it.

Rich and Jackie look at each other with mutual understanding.

RICH

Do you want to...

JACKIE

YES.

Rich and Jackie get up to leave in an excited rush.

RICH

I’ll get the car.

RICH (CONT’D) (exiting the office)

Thank you!

Dr. Farden watches them leave and sits back with a satisfied look on her face as they exit. She calls after them.

DR. FARDEN

Problem solved! Enjoy guys!

CUT TO:

INT. HALLWAY (PRESENT)

Wide shot of hallway with door cracked. End cards roll over the wall while we hear VO of Rich and Jackie getting it on.

GFX: “GET OUT OF THE GREY AREA”

GFX: “INTO MORE THAN 50 SHADES OF REAL PLEASURE”

JACKIE (V.O.)

You got rid of that swing, right?

RICH (V.O.)

Mm...donated. To the senior center.

JACKIE (V.O.)

What?!

RICH (V.O.) (assertive)

Just get over here.

JACKIE (V.O.)

Oohhhh

Bedroom lights go out.

GFX + VO “TROJAN LUBRICANTS AND VIBRATIONS” [PRODUCT]

GFX + VO: “AVAILABLE WHERE TROJAN CONDOMS ARE SOLD”